One thing we all know for sure is that loss will touch our lives at some point. What's harder to know is how we'll grieve it. When we think of loss, the death of a loved one often comes to mind first. Today, I want to make some space for a different kind of loss, called ambiguous loss, and the grief that comes with it.
Ambiguous loss is a type of grief or stress that happens without physical death. It can look like the loss of emotional connection when a person's physical presence remains, a change in future plans, natural disasters, political unrest or a loss of financial or personal security.
It can include divorce, estrangement, retirement, relocating to a new country or a chronic illness. It can also include loss of identity, meaning or purpose during different seasons of life. It can include complicated feelings we have towards ourselves and our ability to feel that we can safely be authentic and accepted for who we are.
Unlike a death, there tends to be no formal social or cultural recognition of our ambiguous losses. As a result it can feel lonely, stressful or confusing. If this resonates, here are a few ideas to consider if you find yourself navigating this kind of grief.
Name what you’ve lost.
Ambiguous loss is real loss, and it helps to say so. Try writing down what’s changed, or will change, because of it. Nothing is too small for the list. If you’ve lost a friendship, whether through distance, illness, or simply drifting apart, it might include writing down that you miss your weekly coffee, the birthday phone call, or having someone who remembers what you were like during a different age.
Sometimes a hard decision, like leaving a career you’d built your life around, made sense at the time, and it’s only now, with a little distance, that you finally have room to grieve it.
If a loved one has dementia or an illness, maybe you’re grieving the trips you’d planned but didn’t get to do, or memories you used to share. When you’re done writing, consider sharing your list with someone you trust, whether that’s a friend, a family member, or a counsellor to create some space to talk about it and have it heard.
Make room for mixed feelings.
Grief rarely comes one feeling at a time. You might feel relieved your divorce is final and still sad about the future you’d pictured. Becoming a parent can fill you with joy and also leave you missing the freedom and the version of yourself you had before. Both can be true at once.
Don’t compare.
Everyone’s grief is shaped by their own life, so there’s no way to measure one loss against another. Losses can also pile up. Sending a child off to college, caring for a sick parent, and coming to terms with an estranged sibling might each feel manageable alone, but together they can be a lot.
Create your own rituals.
Ambiguous losses rarely come with a moment to stop and mark them, so it can help to create one yourself. Rituals give your grief a place to land. You might write a letter to whatever you've lost, whether that's a relationship, a dream, a home, or a version of yourself. You could also write to your past or future self, or keep a journal to help make sense of what you're feeling.
Some people find comfort in movement, like a walk in a place that holds meaning, or in creating something with their hands. You could plant a tree, volunteer for a cause that matters to you, gather a few close friends to talk about what's changed, or turn to a book or piece of music that speaks to what you're going through.
Reach out.
We aren’t meant to carry heavy feelings alone. Friends, family, support groups, and faith communities can be helpful. There are also support groups for specific kinds of loss, like divorce, estrangement, addiction, or a missing loved one. And talking with a counsellor can help you understand what you’re feeling and find healthy ways to cope.
Loss is part of every life, but not every loss comes with a name, a ceremony, or people gathering around us. Ambiguous losses can be quiet, and because of that, we often carry them alone or wonder if we're even allowed to grieve them. You are. Whatever you've lost, whether it's a person, a plan, a place, or a part of yourself, your grief deserves room. Be gentle with yourself, let your feelings be as mixed and messy as they are. You don't have to have it all figured out, and you don't have to do it alone.